Mother (again)
Some day a (straight) friend came to my house and he started to took his pants off - he was with a shorts under the pants, but i haven’t noticied it and thought he was wanting to get naked in my house. And that turned me on (he is straight, so my defenses were totally off.)
With that, i decided to get fully straight and was planning to date a friend. I could imagine myself dating her, but i couldn’t imagine myself having any kind of intimate contact. Then i discovered that i was gay, not bi.
I was so embarassed, because i really believed that i could be straigth.
I felt like cheating on my mom all this time, because i was telling that i was something that i could never be.
While that, i started to love a boy (let’s call him V) that takes the bus to go to the school with me. I always had a crush in him, but never allowed me to like him because i wanted to be straight.
I really believed that my mom would accept me, so i planned to told her that i was gay after i did something with V.
But i never could told V my feelings for him, I had oportunity to do it a lot of times, but when i looked to his face, i couldn’t say anything.
I needed to talk with someone. Ok, i do talk about those things with a friend, but my relationship with my mom is much more than just being son and mother. We are friends, really. And i wanted to told her how i felt. But for that i needed to told her that i was gay first.
And i did it, but she haven’t reacted as i thought she would. She didn’t like the idea at all, and she told me that if i want to go this way, we would be a more distant. Not that she is homophobic, but she couldn’t handle that. It’s too strange for her. She would be all the time hiding his son and she doesn’t want to do it.
She was really sad for more than a week. And if she is sad, i got really bad, specially if i know that it is for my fault.
I didn’t have any problem with hiding my sexuality from people, but i don’t think i can live without telling my mom about my life. Certainly i would be so excited when i got a boyfriend that i would like to tell her. And i shouldn’t do that, because she can’t handle it.
I was ready to came out if necessary, but i was hoping to have her support.
I couldn’t be happy with my mom that sad. I should at least try to be straigth again.
