I Want To Be Straight

Wrongdoing

Yesterday i did something crazy.

I was in the bus and sat next to a cute boy 
Well, i put my hand on my leg, them on his leg. When i noticed, i was with my hand on his… Yeah, you know where. 
I couldn’t do anything, haven’t even found his “stick”, but the feeling of being so close to him, with my hand on such intimate area was really nice. 
Somehow i felt like being hugged.
But he had to leave soon… :( And i’m a idiot, so i haven’t said anything to him. I should’ve asked at least his name, asked for his phone number.

I did something almost nasty, but really liked him. I’d like to have something more with him. 

And it may sound strange, but i liked that. In some way made me remember about the old times, where a boy sat close - but not too much - to a girl and put his hand far off him (and the girl did the same). And they played that game of “She likes me?”, wondering if they should touch the other’s hand. But those times are unfortunately gone.

Totally confused

I definitively don’t know what to do.

I really want to be straight and when i think about what’s the better way to follow, i came to the conclusion thai i should be straight.
But the problem is that even liking girls, my feelings for the boys are stronger.
Today i started in college. I was so hopeful of finding a girl that i liked. There are lots of pretty girls. But i don’t feel attracted to them as i feel to the boys. 
I really want to be straight, i don’t think that a gay marriage (or any kind of long relationship) will survive to their age. But when i’m right that i’ll be straight and even make plans to be with a girl, i notice that i look too much to the boys to take that way.
It’s my first day in the college and i’m already with a crush on a guy of my class. I try to don’t think in anything, but when i see i’m already making plans….

How long…

I know that i forgot this blog. I had too many things to do and couldn’t post here. 

In this time, i’ve decided to be gay. 
I have decided that if i can’t in against it, there is nothing to do. I still feel attracted for boys and almost don’t feel nothing for girls. 
But i started wondering if a relationship would last as straigh’s do. And i don’t really can imagine two old man together. 
And i know that my mother don’t like the idea of having a gay son.
I know that trying to be straight won’t be easy, but any way will be hard. Why not take the less harder one? 
Ok, i won’t deny that i can’t imagine myself eating pussy. But when i was younger i tought that i’d be straight because i couldn’t see anything in the older guys. So, things can change. 
And i still wonder how things would be if i got together with the girls that i liked when i was younger. 
It’s hard to take a decision that may affect the rest of your life.

I can’t go against.

I’ve just figured that i can’t be straight… I can’t take V. out of my mind, even knowing that he wants to be just a friend.
I still love him so much to think in another thing. I still dream about us getting together. 

Of course that the idea of being gay isn’t that good for me. I feel so afraid of seeing my mom that sad again. Sometimes she is upset with something and i became so sad wondering if her sadness is my fault. 
But as everything is normal with me and my mother, i remember of V. [That’s funny, the human being always wants more, if a problem is solved (or at least is out of sight), he focus on the next one.]

Maybe i can go straight, but not with V. in my mind…

I still don’t know.

I thought that i would forget V. after he told me that he will still be my friend. But i couldn’t. I really love him, since Friday i think on him everytime. Every thing I did reminded me of him. I couldn’t take him of my mind.I needed to see him.

So, today i gone to V.’s house, to talk with him. His mom and his brother were there, so we haven’t said anything about us (well, about me-loving-he, there is no “us” :( ). That wasn’t all that bad, we talked a lot about the show he gone yesterday.

Sometimes V.’s mother was in his room and we (i and his mother) talked about the show. I loved his mother, she’s really nice. :)

The bad part is that i still don’t know if he wants something with me or not. He said that he will still be my friend, but haven’t said that he is straight or don’t like me. He act like nothing happened. Today, when i told him that i must leave, he even asked me why so early. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything, but it’s not how a straight guy behaves with a boy that asked him out. If he is really straight, i like him even more, as a friend.

And i hate lying to my mother. Today, when gone to his house, i told her that i was going to the mall - what was partly true, i gone there after. But i know that this isn’t right, all my relationship with my mother is based in trust. I hope she forgive me sometime…

This may sound silly, but i always tell her when i go somewhere. And i should’ve told her that i was in love with a boy, but i thought it was irrelevant when i said that i’m gay and when i promised to be straight, i thought i would forget him.

I hardly go to someone’s house, so she would be surprised if i told him that i’m going to the house of a friend (“Which friend?” She doesn’t even know about V.). And now that i told her, she would find it suspicious.

Life is funny

I was almost right that i should take the gay way, because i was loving V. so much and i couldn’t take another way.
So i told V. that i was loving him. I sent a sms to him on the last thursday and got no reply.
On the friday, when i signed on the msn, he was online and i talked to him.
We talked a bit, but he haven’t said anything about my sms, so i asked him if he got it. He said yes and then i apologized for sending it, hoping to hear (or read :) ) that he felt the same for me.
But he just told me to relax, because he will continue to be my friend. 
So, he is straight or he doesn’t want anything with me…  

At first, i wanted to cry a lot. I really love him. And i don’t believe that a boy that loves Madonna and dances Britney Spears can be straight. Also, i really believed that he liked me. 

But after some time, i started to think. Loving V. was my only reason to be gay. My fear was to lose him if i went straight, but if i can’t have him…. 

I confess that if he wants something with me, i’ll surely enjoy it. I still love him, after all. 

If not, i’ll wait some time to 
get into the college and hope to met a girl that i can love. I won’t deny that i still can’t imagine myself eating pussy, but maybe that can change. 

And i won’t deny that i still want to fuck with some boys - and maybe i will do it soon, but i don’t want anything serious. I’ll do one or two boys, just for fun, and then it’s over.

I’m confused

It’s not what,
Good boys do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I don’t know if i can go straight. I want it, but the idea is weird for me. It’s crazy to think that i was wrong since i was 13. I don’t know if i really can have somethng with a girl.

And i’m really loving V. And i think that he feels the same way for me. I want to tell him that i love as soon as i can.

But i’m in doubt. I think that maybe i should wait just a bit. Soon i’ll be in the college and i could met a girl and start to love her. Maybe i’m going too fast chosing the gay way.

When i think on how sad my mom was after i told her that i’m gay, i don’t want to bring that back. Seeing my mom sad is terrible for me.

I don’t know what i should do. I want to date V. so much and i always find myself thinking on him. But i don’t want to hurt my mom (and myself).

Maybe the most logical would be dating V, even if my mom is against. But the problem is that my mom isn’t just a mother for me. We are really friends, i can’t ignore her. She is the most important person for me.

I don’t know.

Sometimes i think that i’m just a coward. That instead of facing the problems, i’m running from them.

Maybe i should face all the gay problems and try to (help to) solve them.

I don’t know which way will hurt me more… Coming out will be terrible, but i don’t know if trying to be straight will be any better…

Monitoring you, like machines do

You’ve been walking,
You’ve been hiding,
And you look half dead half the time.
Monitoring you, like machines do,

When i told my mom that i’m gay, i told her that i was monitoring myself in the last year to don’t have nothing with boys.

Yesterday we were talking and she asked me if i was monitoring myself. I said no, what was a lie in parts. I talked a lot with some gay friends yesterday, so i’m not running away from gays to be straight. But i still monitor myself to don’t think in V.

And anyway, she told me to don’t monitor myself and “just let it go”. This takes a weight of my shoulders, but my mom isn’t my only problem.

At first, i know that even if my mom accepts me as gay, she won’t be as happy as she would be if i’m straight.

And i still need to hide my love from some people, work a lot for nothing and gays are more endangered than straights, there are some crazy homophobics serial-killers. Even if everyone can be a victim of some crazy guy, if you are different (in any way), the risks are higher.

Sometimes i think that would be better if i don’t try to be straight. I’m sure that i like boys, so why i would follow the doubtful way?

I feel that i really love V and that he can feel the same for me. I know that if i have something with him, it would be for real.

I’m afraid of discovering that i can’t be straight and have trouble to find someone for who i feel the same i feel for V.

But i do know that if i try something with him now i would be going thru the gay way with no way back. And i don’t want to be gay.